NOT THE END, JUST A TIME OUT

I know, I know.  I haven't been keeping up with my journey details. Well to tell you the truth there are not many details to be shared. I was doing so well, keeping positive and stuff then life happened…. again!!!

I decided that I needed a time out. I can not concentrate on more than 1 thing at a time right now. So I suppose, before you all start calling me a quitter, I will share with you, some of my problems, even tho they are rather personal. Just so you can understand why I am taking a break (for now).

2013 has been a rough year for my family. In March my husband switched jobs. It was less pay, better hours and he gets to be home more often now and watch our beautiful little girls grow up in person, not just in the pictures of many sporting events or school events that he would have to miss out on, by being at work always.

We knew it would be a tough couple of months to get used to the lower income and we also knew that I would need to also look for a part time job. We thought that we would be able to handle it through the summer until I really had to buckle down and get a job. It took forever to get a job for me. By the time tho, that I got my job we were so far behind in some of our bills that it was so overwhelming. 

OH wait, let me back track just a hair. When hubs left his job in March is was for another dealership (cars) and that didn't work out, so he was out of work for a while. He had a temp job that helped a little but they wouldn't hire him full time. So he is where he is now and loving it.

Ok, back to me now. LOL  I had to get on government assistance for food, or else we wouldn't have enough food for the week. You can only live off of so much Ramen Noodles, no matter what college kids say. That right there, having to get assistance takes a toll on your pride and adds to your stress. We tried desperately to get caught up on bills but couldn't quite get there. So we decided that we had to get the car taken care of first and so we did. But unfortunately we are so behind on our house now that it is now in the foreclosure proceedings. 

The whole time we were catching up on the car payments and keeping up with the months bills to run the house, we were on the phone with the mortgage company trying to modify our loan. We got notice about 3 weeks ago that they can not do anything to help us. So there you have it, FORECLOSURE. 

I have been concentrating so hard on keeping a normal life for my daughters so they don't realize that our life is falling apart. They are too young to have to worry about these problems. We don't spend frivolously when we do have money, Ok, well sometimes we splurge and eat out and see a movie, but for the most part, it always goes towards bills. So to actually not have any money is horrifying and I don't think it's right for a 9 and a 5 year old to have to deal with it.

In the past 15 months we have had 4 deaths in our family. My sister in law, Hubs grandpa, our niece and just this morning my father in law past away. That alone is more than anyone can handle. Just thinking about how short life can be makes me want to have a healthier life and I am still working on it, just not as diligently. 

I don't need to be worried about if I ate that carb or if I got my gallon of water in. I need to worry about my family and keeping us together and loved. Once I get these financial blows figured and straightened out, my break will be over. I will be hitting the pavement walking off pounds and concentrating more on healthy options for meals. Right now tho, Ramen Noodles and whatever else we can afford is whats on the menu.

Many of you might not agree with me taking a break, and that is alright. We all deal with things differently. As for me, my depression, lack of wealth, and stress… we will take a break!

Time out

No I haven't given up. Just put myself on a time out. Will explain more when I get time. Don't give up on me! Stay tuned for a real blog update...

IT HAPPENS

It's been awhile ... I know, I am not good at keeping up with the goings on of my journey. When there is GOOD news, I would be happy to post, but when there is blah, boring, not exciting news, I don't......this isn't the most horrible of news...... but it happens.

It doesn't matter what kind of diet, exercise or healthy eating habits I do and I lose weight... I go on a bender. It's usually when I am done with a goal. I can say that at least I did my backsliding before my journey is over, so now it is out of my system. 

I did my 8 day detox an loved the weight loss and the way I was feeling. I was to follow up the 8 day with 4 weeks of carb cycling. I started off strong but then wonky work schedules got in my way. I slept when I was used to being away, therefore my eating schedule got messed up as well. As much as I would like to place all of the blame on work, I can not. If I was as dedicated as I thought I was, I would have made myself work out a better system. I didn't have meals prepared for work hours so I would cram a peanut butter and jelly in my face on my way to work. Soda accidentally made it's way back into my system as well... 

OOOPS I DID IT AGAIN.....

With all that being said this happened....

2# gain in a couple of weeks. Could be worse, true but it shouldn't have happened to begin with.  I can find excuses and place the blame on many things. But in all actuality the blame falls on me. There is no denying it.

So my plan now is this: get back to carb cycling, don't let work interfere with my journey, give pop the boot, again, well after I finish this one that is. ;) And I decided that I need to set weight goals or size goals to have something to work for and look forward to, Oh and I definitely will start my walking like I said maybe a million times before.

NO MORE EXCUSES!!!!

Quickie

I have been working a lot so I haven't had much time to update how I have been doing. Let me just say this... When working, unless you are organized and prepared it is hard to stay on track. Also, working in retail as I do, I don't get breaks quite when I need them to keep on track. So when I am home I do my best to stay on schedule and while I am at work, I make for sure I make healthy choices.

I gave in a had a 16oz soda pop today tho and just one little bite of what my Mama had ordered for herself. That was my big NoNo for the day. I can live with that. :) Just going to keep focusing on the right and healthy options.

8 DAYS AND MELT DOWNS

Last Sunday I took my measurements and checked my weight. Not pretty, but it had to be done. Oh and I shared my lovely swimsuit pictures. Since then.....

Down almost 20# and I painted my toenails! :) I did an 8 day detox which was easy, then I had a stressful day so I slipped and had an emotional eating breakdown. Jumped back on the detox train, drink lots (and I mean at least 1 gal a day) of water. So here I am sitting here typing this and wondering if I feel any differently.

The answer is kind of. I know after 20# you would think that you  would feel differently but I only feel different in some spots. Like can you lose weight in your feet? My shoes and flip flops are feeling different. Also, the band on my undies are not as tight! That right there is always a plus! The seat belt in the car isn't as uncomfortable and I am excited to say my rings are loser on my fingers and they move around on their own. :)

Now that I am off of the detox and onto a new eating plan that will go for 4 weeks. I am sure the pounds will come off slower, but they will still be coming off. I should have started physical activity at the start of this, but I didn't. I will be starting soon and that will help kick the pounds off my body.

Here are my measurements for today as well.... Let's keep in mind that I measured myself last week but my husband did it this time. I am going to record the finding here, I will have hubs do it for now on to get more accurate readings. 

Neck  17" ( -.25")
Hips   56.5" ( - 1")
Waist  52.5" (-1.25")
Rt Bicep  18"  (-0")
Lt Bicep  17.5" (+.5")
Rt Thigh  32.75" (-1.25")
Lt Thigh  32" ( -1")
Rt Calf  18.2"  (-1.75")
Lt Calf  17.75" (-1.25")
Chest  56.5" (+1.5")  *Just my luck

And the count down begins in 28 or so days.... Another swimsuit shot! Fingers crossed that a noticeable difference can be seen!!!

LOVING ONESELF

It was brought to my attention that I try to cover up my insecurities with humor. Yes, in fact, I try to make people laugh when talking about myself. It seems to draw attention away from the fact that I am overweight. See right there, I could have made at least a half dozen "funny" comments but I won't. My friend was right. I need to stop with the "funny" because it doesn't build me up. I need positive and I myself am only feeding the negativity. 

So also on this journey I am taking, I will be trying to love myself for all that I am. I may never be stick thin. Actually that is NOT even my goal. I will always be curvy and I need to embrace my curves. Make them work for me. I have always had a bad self image but dammit... "I am beautiful" and eventually I will see that in myself.

Just like losing weight and getting healthy is not going to happen over night, neither is loving myself. I will slip up and put myself down plenty of times, I am sure. I will work hard on stopping that bad habit.

Because truly you can never be loved the way you want to be unless you love yourself.... ME.... Holy Crap, did I just say something profound or was that cheesy as Hell? Ok, I had to put some humor in this piece. 

I want to say Thank You to a great friend Mel. She has the balls to tell it like it is. That is the best thing I love about her. She sent me a message telling me to STOP. So I will, not just because she is right, but because I am sort of afraid of her if I don't! :)

LICKING THE SPOON AND OTHER BAD HABITS

What is your worst eating habit? I have plenty of BAD eating habits, not sure which one is my worst tho. Yesterday I was making a very delicious quadruple layered neapolitan birthday cake with homemade butter cream frosting and chocolate ganache.... I licked the freaking spoon... and the bowl.... and wanted to eat the whole freaking cake. I have been told that you should allow yourself a couple of cheats, but on day 2 of your new eating healthy routine.... NOT GOOD. I gave in, I felt pretty bad but I am over it now.

Who hasn't ever eaten off their child's plate? I am one of those moms that will eat the leftovers because why waste food. I bought my girls a couple kids meals yesterday and they didn't finish. I found myself reaching for the bag. I stopped. I didn't give in. Proud moment.

I was taking my youngest to school yesterday and had a crazy thought... "I already licked the spoon and that burrito I had last weekend was way yummy... why not?!"  I found myself in the Taco Bell parking lot. Thank the stars that the drive through line was very long and I was too lazy to get out to go in. I did not give in.... Proud moment.

Eating way too fast is another bad habit of mine. I could probably eat a 5 course meal in like 10 minutes. As long as I could remember, I have always scarfed down my food. I don't know why, but that needs to stop. I found myself doing it again today with my grilled chicken and broccoli, then I got a bad case of hiccups and I slowed down.

Everyone has bad habit when it comes to eating. I am working on changing mine. Not all will happen all at once, it will take time, just like everything else. I am proud of myself for noticing what needs changing and taking the steps to changing it. And for me to be proud of myself... that's something. :)

BTW.... THIS WAS THIS MORNING!!!!!

down 10# since Sunday Night.... :) I am happy, but not going to get too excited until I redo my measurements on next Monday... that's when I will be able to tell! *fingers crossed*And yes.... I still need someone to come paint my toenails, but maybe I will be able to bend over to do my own in no time! LOL

PEE-A-PALOOZA

So yesterday, I drank a bit more than a gallon of water. It was going well. Yesterday was good actually. Then all of a sudden, Potty break, potty break, potty break. I survived work and only wanted to harm a dozen or so people. It could have been worse.

This morning by 8 I had already had 1/2 gallon of water down. My oldest had a dentist appointment so off into town we went, took her to school and half way there, boy did I have to go. Bumps in the road are sure enhanced when you have an extremely full bladder. I had a few errands to run and then a stop at Walmart. Good Golly, I thought I was going to have to knock a few slow pokes out of my way. I needed to go and they were delaying my trip. My youngest was having a hard time keeping up with me and of course she has to yell "Mama, hurry up so you don't pee yourself". Got to love that kids don't have filters! LOL

I know all this water is key, and I am wondering if I need to invest in some adult diapers (joking) in case I have to cut it close again. So on that note..... gotta go!

oh btw... I think maybe I did in fact break my scale. I got on last night just to see... there is no way possible that I lost 15 pounds in 1 day, so I bought a new scale. I will weigh myself again and see what is going on. ;)

WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?!?!

GOOD GOLLY MISS MOLLY.... When in the hell did I get FAT???  I know, I know.... it happens over time and getting rid of it will not happen over night. I am well aware of that. My question is Why didn't anyone tell me? 

Well anyway, here I am...

It's ok, you can laugh, I don't mind. I am just over here crying. My tan lines are horrible! Golly Gee! I am also going to share my measurements and how much I actually weigh. This is almost as tough as sharing the pictures...

Scale level..... LYING.... there is no way I way 20#... Oh you mean it's 320# WOWZER.... That's all going to change. I am not looking for a quick fix, I am looking for a healthy change. At least I didn't break the scale and yes I know, I need a pedicure!

Well with this bit of info shared with all of you, my kind people who have been giving me support and encouragement, I wish you all a good night. Tomorrow I will start anew...

Sleep well and sorry for the nasty images right before bedtime.

POSTPONED

OK, so today didn't go as planned. I could come up with plenty of excuses why I couldn't start my new eating healthy plan today, but to completely honest.... I just wasn't prepared.

I worked until midnight last night and was completely bushed when I got home. I went straight to bed and had a very hard time sleeping more than 15 minutes or so at a time. My legs were restless and hurt so bad. My feet were throbbing. I did look over my list, but decided with today being soccer game and church day, it would be a tricky day to start. So I had an extra day to cheat.

I was sent this today. Once I get started I know all the obstacles will disappear. And did you know that many obstacles are mostly made up by oneself? Or at least in my case they are. I will make no more excuses to keep me from getting healthy, fit and happy.

So on this last night of FREEDOM, I will be eating a very nice large and loaded baked potato and a steak! Yep, sounds like a good last meal. LOL

DAY BEFORE

OH HOLY CRAP!!!!!

I am really going to do this. I am nervous as can be. You all probably are thinking, why? Well for starters, what if someone actually reads this blog and likes it, then pass it along, and they like it and then they pass it on and so on and so forth... all these people will be seeing my pictures. YIKES!!! That is why I am nervous.

So on this day before the dreaded picture day what will I be doing... Well I do have to go to work, so there is that. But I will not worry about what I eat. I might even finish off the brownies I made the other day. I might go ahead and buy myself a pop to drink. I gave pop up quite a long time ago with a couple splurges here and there. Maybe I will buy a big fat greasy hamburger to eat for dinner. Well why not have ice cream for lunch, dinner and dessert?  I do work by a chicken place, so maybe I will go have a drumstick or two...

In all honesty, I will not be doing anything different than what I usually do. Well, I might finish off those brownies if nobody lays claim to the last little bit. :) I will just be going over the check list in my mind about what to do tomorrow to start this journey. Water, lots and lots of water. I got that covered. I bought  gallons of water the other day to prepare. Yes, I buy water, I am a water snob. I don't drink tap... but that doesn't pertain to this story.

So on this day before, my stomach will be in knots. Not knowing if this is all a waist of time, or if in fact it will be a blog that is followed and will help me be accountable to myself. What if I am an inspiration for someone who reads it. That would be completely cool, I won't lie! So if you all don't mind, if there is a you all... PLEASE......

WISH ME LUCK!!!!

WHAT I AM LOOKING FOWARD TOO

As I was working today I kept thinking about what I will enjoy the most by losing weight. There are plenty of things actually. I work in retail and I am surrounded by clothes. So I kept going back to being able to wear cute clothes, stylish clothes... and look good in them too. When ever I get dressed up for any reason I always feel like this....
         

I need to feel comfortable in anything, well maybe not a swimsuit, I can't see that ever happening. That's a start tho, to feel comfortable. Losing weight will sure help with that. Here is a list of a few other things that I will enjoy more being at a smaller weight. I am sure some might seem simple, but sometimes to very overweight people, simple things aren't that simple.

• Bending over to tie shoes without not being able to breath and my face turning bright red
• Having more energy
• Being able to do athletic activities again
• Less pain in my joints
• Not have to worry about weight limits on ladders or roller coaster rides
• Not bumping into people in small spaces because my body is so big
• Enjoying life more
• Hopefully losing some breast size as well and be able to buy pretty bras instead of the industrial strength, plain, boring, might as well just use duct tape ones!!!

THE BEGINNING

I am almost 38. I have been overweight most of my life. But now, after I have finally realized (joking btw) that I will indeed NOT wake up skinny, I am going to finally do something about it. Not just say I will and start it then stop, once I meet my 1st weight goal. I am going to see this through. I have to. There are a lot of things riding on this. First and foremost I want to be there for my girls, be active with my girls, grow old watching my girls have a life and family of their own. For them I am doing this!!!

So, to hold myself accountable. I am starting this blog. There will be pictures, pictures I don't want to show, but need to show, to push me through this. Pictures of me in the past when I thought I was really fat. If I was only that "fat" now, I would be happy.  

I haven't measured myself, I haven't weighed myself, but I will. I will put it out there for the whole world to see, or at least the 1 or 2 people that might read this blog. I will be setting goals for myself and when I reach them and even if I don't, I will post about it.  I will complain I am sure, I will be grouchy, I am almost certain of this, but it will be worth it. I can't quit on this, I WILL NOT quit on this. 

I need to be healthy, happy and be able to wear cute smaller clothes! That's my goal, join me on my journey, It's sure to be an Adventure!